January is a first month of a year.
It was also  a period usually giving me new things.
The time I attended new  class.
The time I interned in new work.
The time I exposed to new environments.
Now it is a time ,I am sitting on the chair and writing this letter.
Why is this happening to me?
Dilemma, fear,unsatisfactory, hesitation….
Too much thinkings in my head gave me troubles except right decisions.
I wondered how did i achieve miracle success?
How did I do this?
I didn’t think too much. I had one definite goal.
I am not interested in many things.
I didn’t hope too much.
And I didn’t need anyone to push me so hard.
I was a kind of person who want to make his own goal.
A boy who is hard to understand became a man who is hard to accept reality.
6 years spending in a university, generated a brand new doc.
Why am I refusing this work?
There are so many people who is struggling to get this degree?
Am I not really interested to cure patients?
What am I hoping for?
I had many hobbies.
I interested to create art, to use machines,to combine ideas into new one.
Treating patients is a small tiny soul inside me.
I have seen some terminal stage patients who are waiting for their last breathe.
Some are young, some are old..
Some are poor, some are rich.
Some are babies, some are mothers.
People in my community believe that Doctors can really cure their sickness.
They don’t know the limitation of our ability to cure their diseases.
To eradicate illness inside a patient,
thorough examinations, exact lab investigations, method of treatment , facilities,skillful doctors and team and cooperation of patients and their family members are essential.
I am a newbie doctor.
I dare not dream to cure a major illness with my limited capacity.
How much can I?
I can only give some medicines and suggestions to the patient.
I can’t even operate minor surgery.
Most of the time, patients do not come to us to receive treatment for their serious illness.
Mostly, they complaint headache, fever,body pain, limbs pain, etc..
When I administer a treatment, I always had a worry in my mind whether my treatment is correct or not?
Are these symptoms from underlying disease or not? I gave treatment but I didn’t know he or she will be recovered or not.
I didn’t have much exposure with patients since I leaved from university.
It is almost 2 years for now which I am not discussing medical topics with friends.
The life back in the university compound and beside patient’s bed are like a dream for me.
I only want to spend my life by helping them not to feel any physical or mental sufferings.
I also want to spend my life by doing and creating arts , new things which I am in loved.
But , in reality, I’m also afraid to see my patients dying.
I am afraid to hear bad news from my wrong decision .
I ‘v never wanted to hurt somebody for any reason.
When a patient suffered serious illness, he will finally come to hospital.
I will only emphasized to cure his illness.
But,not every illness can be cured. I have seen a young teenage girl lying on the bed.
She and her family members were from a remote village .
She was unconscious.
In our medical ward, we have done many investigations and administer many medications which was cost a lot.
Finally, she passed away .
Even in tertiary government hospital, they cost a lot of money to get her healthy.
They didn’t have money, they sold cows, farms.
If she was not fined , they lost not only a daughter but also their property.
How can I say to do an expensive investigation to those kind of poor families.
How can I administer expensive medicines which is even not affordable for me.
I have a really soft heart.
These are not the problems I can solve.
But, these stress and duty hours, I don’t think I am ready to accept.
If an old lady asked me to give some medications for her pains, do my analgesic pills can really cure her illness?
